Applause for America

America, we're getting a 100% sanitized
version of the country from the media. Why
is that pre-McNugget paste weirdly pink?

America, we're faking media orgasms. What
is with the herd of overhyped pseudo-celebrities,
mass-produced reporters, and glossy quotes?

America, we're crawling with bacteria. What
is with the grime, the reek of decades-old man-sweat?
But hey, high five! The country tastes like chicken.

-- Angela Genusa

Pre-Chicken Nugget Meat Paste
Survey on America's Sexual Habits: We're Getting Friskier
Liberty City's Roosevelt Ivory is a Throwback

Cringe-Worthy American Moments

A national telephone-based poll suggests
that American current events are, uh,
eccentric. Jesus in a pink boa drinking

sparkling Pepto-Bismol liquor in Japanese
karaoke booths, Kanye West in his red
underwear whistling ABBA through his ass,

and Jessica Rabbit singing a crude Chinese
peace anthem with a refrain of "rub me do,
rub me do." All in the preceeding 24 hours.

-- Angela Genusa

Most Americans don't get daily exercise, survey finds
Saturday Night Live Recap: Kanye Scores, Miley Mocked
Big Mac index gives more than a taste of true worth

Bellyful of Meat

These days everything is Six Degrees
of meat: a bust of Kevin Bacon
made of bacon, a dress of Lady

Gaga made of Gaga. I am he as you
are she and we are all a stick of meat
incautiously poked into the cage of a tiger.

Wait - what? I don’t know the poem
you quoted either. I just bid on eBay
for an anti-fur bird made of real hides.

-- Angela Genusa

Philip Larkin Letters to Monica: October 21, 1950
PETA invites Lady Gaga to explain meat dress
Bacon Kevin Bacon - The Six Degrees of Food

White Horrific Sesame

The great white mind so cluttered
by decay the graying boomers will hate
to pay for the beef of unemployment

having stolen the economics
behind their cheap groceries,
Tuskegee, and the architecture of years.

"White folks, hey, we coloreds have taken root
deep in the beef, the country, and his ruse.
We need to focus and prioritize."

-- Eric Elshtain

White America Has Lost Its Mind
Past Horrific Experiments Stir Concerns of Today
'Sesame Street' Was Naughty Way Before Katy Perry

Ah, Sugar Sugar

Friday, the sight of Shakespeare
in a sugar coffin surprised
thousands of pedestrians.

Cardboard consumers—three
sheets to the wind—marched
on slick, high-fructose city streets.

Show some solidarity: Confound
"natural" consumer clogging.
Save a wolf in sheep's syrup.

-- Angela Genusa

HFCS Name Change: Good, Bad or In Between?
5 dead as drenching rains take aim at New England
In Costa Rica, Higher Education Serves the Few

Believing Competing Histories

Vague external threats
confront the galaxy.
An onslaught of biting indignities

discredits nebulous negative notions.
The Better Business Bureau fumed,
then exploded with rage.

With fiercely offensive footage,
proceedings and investigations,
they'll struggle to save the vaunted fables.

-- Scott Stoller

The American dream: Is it slipping away?
Democrats Unleash Ads Focusing on Rivals’ Pasts
Beckham: "Say it to my face"

Assault Initially Asthma

Went for a few kills in the symptoms library.
Students had nerves. Doctors are checking out
the Alaska Student disease. "We can't operate on skin."

NEVER blame relationship acne. She moves
like she has an old terrorized lung dance.
"We have considered the assault a symptom."

Sarah seemed to understand. "We acted
on behalf of the University. But, man,
the witnesses NEVER thought Palin was carrier."

-- Tom Lewis

5 Steps to Kill Hidden Bugs in Your Gut That Make You Sick
Student opens fire at University of Texas, then kills himself
Bristol Palin Comforted by Mom's Presence on DWTS

Dismissing Disturbing Notions

Within yourself is a gaping hole.
So fill it. Reverse the trend.
Experience what's been missing.

Be a billionaire.
Date a chimpanzee.
Try lots of different races and religions.

Explore new forms of suicide.
Go backpacking with Lady Gaga.
You've got a great, great future.

-- Scott Stoller

Ken Fisher Dubs New Normal Idiotic
Ditch Your Laptop, Dump Your Boyfriend
Baby boomers increase midlife suicide rate

Near-Meltdown Prescription Dysfunction

The American Academy of Goats "just say gala"
to the prevention of cruelty micro-blogging messages
(published in "Children, Adolescents, Substance")

a rabbit wearing the October issue links strangely to drugs
effectively working to ride smug bullshit on a hotplate
you could sedate the monkey tobacco cursor page

vast torrents of federal danger in the bears' office
hidden by onMouseOver worm erectile dysfunction makeup
thank you, all prescription medications "WTF [URL]"

-- Angela Genusa

PETA Gala: Pamela Anderson Upstaged by Kelly Osbourne
Pediatricians Want to Restrict Ads for Tobacco, Booze, Viagra
WTF worm makes Twitterers declare goat lust

Sick Monday Diary

Kurt "l8r g8r" Cobain is driving me crazy,
hawking an endorsement—60 times bigger than
first estimated—for the Indians at Little Big Horn.

A waitress is serving a hamper full of Anne Frank’s
couture clothing saying “That’s hot!” Brad Pitt
is lowballing Lindsay Lohan for Gen. George

Custer's 1923 Hallmark card. And Paris Hilton
is burning a Red Cross textbook about hygiene on
a hot plate. Mein haute! What the pun?!

-- Angela Genusa

Lowballing Oil Spill Akin to Custer
Paris Hilton Owns the Phrase "That's Hot"
Happy Banned Books Week!

securing her behind

a         woman         wearing
lethal         leather       pants
that   totally   became   her

walked   into   the chamber
and     spread       her     legs
with       dramatic       power

specifically       to       reverse
the       damage     to       her
outrageous         reputation

-- Richard Mason

HSBC faces top team shake-up amid turmoil
Va. woman executed for slayings in 2002
Ahmadinejad and 9/11 attacks

Cha Cha Cha

David Hasselhoff drunk-dancing in a Speedo
on the dance floor, performing an arthritic cha-cha
on a widely circulated sex tape? Major buzz kill.

Barack Obama disguised as a Tokyo celebutante
allowed to shack up in a nasty airport hotel in New York
disguised as the Airport Hilton? Don’t ask, don’t tell.

Say, perfume lady! The country puts its foot down when
Japan promised—multiple times—the repeal of a long
rap sheet of bizarre decisions, a potpourri of insanity.

-- Angela Genusa

Tokyo Snubs Paris (Hilton)
"Baywatch" Star Hasselhoff First "Dancing" Victim
Barack Obama heckled in Manhattan

Investors Bank Mezuzas

Pharos financial group, a new directive, stamped
in London. A spokeswoman for
the code of silence says the payoff

has been mixed. The investigation of
the world? The world? It's the world? Aimed at a
bank branch of the Father,

the Lord our God, a sovereign state
in the country's total farmland.
Jews leaving a dud.

-- Eric Elshtain

In Mezuzas, a Custom Inherited by Gentiles
Vatican Bank Tied to Money Laundering Scandal
Investors seeing farmland as safer bet than stocks

All Drinks All

you starch once plans demolished plans once starch you
of barreled that one beaches one that barreled of
for allowed that tables turn tables that allowed for

you castle as list bristled list as castle you
it name even bulk misunderstood bulk even name it
you castle as list bristled list as castle you

for allowed that tables turn tables that allowed for
of barreled that one beaches one that barreled of
you starch once plans demolished plans once starch you

-- Glenn R. Frantz

Reading the tea leaves on O'Donnell vs. Coons in Delaware
Step Aside, High Fructose Corn Syrup
NYC considers banning smoking in parks

Rambunctious Growth Reform

It is too soon to know
if night is a deficit nation
programming the planet.

Bears are such fickle suitors at sea.
In the fight for tenure,
Death escaped unhurt with hostages.

Rip currents come knocking
up November under squared marriage
and the hated pull-out.

-- Travis Macdonald

Hurricane Earl threatens holiday travel plans
Boxer, Fiorina Trade Barbs in First Debate
Discovery Channel hostage-taker hated programming