Victory Parade Document

The mother of Boris Johnson
has begged forgiveness for her son,
saying he had reasons for what he did.

A Whitehall source told the paper that
Vladimir Putin is alleged to have put pressure
on the people named by British Intelligence.

The warmonger's recent media appearances
were likely to have been pre-recorded;
a body double may have been used.

-- Rupert M Loydell

Lord Geidt warns ministerial code at risk of ‘ridicule’
Gunman’s mother says he ‘had his reasons for what he did’
Vladimir Putin 'could be dead with body double being used'

New World Disorder

Margaret Thatcher was placed on a plinth
without ceremony and egged within hours.
Sweden says it intends to follow suit.

The former prime minister demonstrates
in a very disturbing way that declining powers
can be at least as disruptive as rising ones .

Fifty years after consulting parliament
the foreign policy committee have agreed
that security isn’t a zero-sum game.

-- Rupert M Loydell

Finland and Sweden confirm intention to join Nato
Margaret Thatcher statue egged within hours of being installed
What the CIA thinks: William Burns on new world disorder

It Doesn't Work

True parliament is unachievable due to poor data,
but it’s ineffective anyway and should be replaced
with creative marketing that resonates with everyone.

Despite officially reconvening for a new session yesterday,
Prince Charles delivered an incapacitated Boris Johnson
to Buckingham Place with no flying experience or radar.

You can’t go more than five seconds at a big conference
without hearing Keir Starmer discussing the cost of living
and navigation. 'Have you guys located me yet?' he asked.

-- Rupert Loydell

Passenger with no flying experience lands plane
Forget personalisation, it’s impossible and it doesn’t work
Why is there no PMQs today?

Fanbase Winning Sanctions

stepping up sanctions against Russia possibility of joining
NATO for security of its citizens could be a serious blow
stands for common values horrible aggression consequences

neither side winning forces pushing Russian troops back
in the present circumstances at a bit of a stalemate
occupiers being gradually pushed away south-western flanks

initially struggle to find an audience
quality shines through cult fanbase cinema release
advent of streaming services cyber thriller box office bomb

-- Clark Allison

25 brilliant films that were box office bombs
Russian invasion in eastern Ukraine reaching stalemate
Finnish PM says joining NATO will strengthen security

A Saintly Antidote

This is advance notice of Monkeypox:
Keir Starmer passes through
the beer shadow next weekend.

It happens in several stages,
creates a subtle darkening effect
like a faint smeared curry stain.

Boris Johnson can easily go unnoticed;
a wounded animal at the moment,
he is now receiving specialist care.

-- Rupert Loydell

Losing Keir Starmer would be great for Labour Party
Total lunar eclipse 2022: what to look out for
Monkeypox: Seven symptoms of virus confirmed in UK

Surface Indication Passes

no official indication a hit or not becomes more obvious
a critical flop as well as a commercial one
failed to turn a profit not the only companies to do so

total lunar eclipse moon passes through the shadow
of the earth being the penumbral phase
can easily go unnoticed shadow passing across

lunar surface half-tonne spaceship obliterate asteroid
blown up by NASA rocket rocks hurling our way
tack on a new guidance system impact place launched

-- Clark Allison

NASA to save Earth by blowing up asteroid with rocket
Total lunar eclipse 2022: what to look out for
Nobody in the world was playing Babylon’s Fall

Secret Electric Horror

Score-settling, boo suppression and arrests:
will this be the movie we all had to see?
It's almost impossible to see the original film.

Under permanent fire, pounded by blast waves,
the spirit of intercontinental togetherness is a mirage,
emphasising outrageously partisan national voting.

Bomb-shattered glass and hoping for rescue
has provided joy, hilarity and squawking failure,
even when they’re singing a direct hit in English.

-- Rupert M Loydell

Evacuees’ horror weeks in Azovstal steel plant
Score-settling, boo suppression and voter arrests
The secret to seeing Star Wars in its original form

Phased Political Edge

most extreme political organisation recent American history
upend the political dynamic ahead of midterm elections
opportunity to energise portray drifting dangerously right

moved tamp down soaring inflation largest hike since 2000
overall economic activity edge down fixed investment strong
likely to exacerbate supply chain disruptions

attempting increase of tempo in offensive
pay a high price for brutal aggression phased oil embargo
find alternative supplies just as energy prices spiking

-- Clark Allison

Russia ramps up air strikes in ‘bid to increase invasion tempo’
Federal Reserve announces biggest interest rate hike since 2000
Joe Biden calls Trumpism ‘most extreme’ political movement in recent US history

The Biggest Mysteries

For more than 13 billion years,
the Labour leader has accused
the Conservatives of 'mud-slinging'.

The universe has been constantly expanding
but a leak suggests that could all change.
Researchers say they have found evidence

there was no party, no rules were broken;
dark energy is the long and the short of it.
The Tories' repellent force may be weakening.

-- Rupert M Loydell

Universe could start shrinking 'remarkably soon'
US Supreme Court may overturn abortion rights
Keir Starmer accuses Tories of ‘mud-slinging

Real Invasion Atrocities

disastrous Ukraine invasion sparks speculation about health
early stage dementia paranoia being driven insane
fuelled rumours critically ill insisted health excellent

what’s real and make believe auto-erotic product placement
transformed to alluring siren space-age nightclub crooner
increasingly sophisticated image archetypal doomed romantic

past point of negotiations 63rd day of a three-day invasion
neutrality considered as a surrogate political factor
negotiations stalled for various reasons after atrocities

-- Clark Allison

Ukraine 'past the point of negotiations'
Bryan Ferry has published his lyrics as a book
Putin 'has dementia and paranoia is driving him to insanity'

Freeview Asylum Troubles

Residents sent on an awayday
during the home secretary’s genocide
fear losing new TV programmes.

Survivors of Boris Johnson’s domestic troubles
declared Priti Patel a ‘direct threat’
in contrast to the Archbishop of Canterbury.

Putin must retune to unlock a new tomorrow,
will head straight to the settings menu
and perform a weapons upgrade.

-- Rupert M Loydell

Why it took the UK a long time to become a Russia hawk
Freeview users must retune to unlock new channel
Genocide survivors moved out of hostel for Priti Patel

All the Zeros

Inflation began as a boredom cure for Boris Johnson
but can viral success ever be a substitute for hard graft
or a spiraling route to a no-confidence vote?

Shoppers find it hard to swallow MP comedians
and the social media mood has turned against them.
Everyone seems depressed and nihilistic all the time.

Supermarket stardom has become a viable alternative
to dog food, coffee and cat food: readers are reporting
shelf shock, and far more pains are now inevitable.

-- Rupert M Loydell

TikTok hopefuls trying to make it big in comedy
Fines issued as PM warned no-confidence vote inevitable
Shelf shock: soaring supermarket prices

Toxic Forensic Controversy

courting controversy need a long-term solution
right documentation horrendous genocide small African
country claimants bizarrely not returned to UK

a toxic political issue struck a deal fisheries agency
salmon and trout relations unravelling
livelihood of northern regions disputed islands

called to reports of a shooting just after 3am
five gunshots and screaming teenage girl
a cluster of forensic markers where the roads meet

-- Clark Allison

Residents heard 'five gunshots and screaming' as teenage girl was hit
Japan, Russia sign fishing deal despite Ukraine tensions
Sending refugees to Rwanda is tough, but it isn’t sensible

Voices are Raised

It’s hard to concentrate at home
but don’t hold your breath:
the floor is covered in shame.

Whatever scientists do now
they will be forever followed
but nothing can make them go.

People speak louder and compensate
so I am decamping to the garden.
This is the only way to work from home.

-- Rupert M Loydell

Shutting the door on crumbs, scattered toys and unmade beds
Study reveals why voices are raised on video calls
Shame will cling to Johnson and Sunak

Potent Preparation Measures

doesn’t allow for that kind of immersion
fever dream enthralling dark space narcotic quality
the experience wasn’t as potent edgy awkward off the street

several convoys of military equipment eastern Ukraine
seen travelling along T2104 highway preparation
for a renewed offensive revelations from satellite images

Putin destroyed ruble heavily sanctioned country’s invasion
measures designed to keep currency afloat
controls on system tough rules on exporters

-- Clark Allison

Russia's economy in tatters as 'Putin has destroyed the ruble'
Ukraine war: Russian forces amass in the east
The meaning of Taxi Driver

A Cold Snap

The public should be told
if the prime minister’s wife
falls as far south as London.

As a result of its investigation
into morally bankrupt individuals,
the government issued a yellow warning.

It seems an insane thing to do,
sending people into icy conditions,
so I think we are seeing breaking disquiet.

-- Rupert M Loydell

Russia Ukraine War: Latest News
Snow falls as far south as London
Public should know if PM’s wife gets police fine