Well, aren’t you a little horror story?
A trick or treating celebrity train wreck.
You're really never too old
to be a victim of hazardous mishaps,
cowering naked and delusional
in Manhattan restaurant bathrooms,
slugging cocaine and vodka
'til your fingers fall off
from the lack of continuous circulation.
-- Scott Stoller
Horror Stories From Space
Teens defend their right to trick-or-treat
Coke and no smile for naked Sheen
To forget waiting, sun hours walk about the neighborhoods
where years pull. A radio flashlight bending out the orbit
will spot your edge: Clothing safer to paint around.
Don't forget the sun. Always walk on the corner,
where the pull of radio waves bending under the road
will make your heavy clothing easier to carry around.
Don't delay. The palace always turns on its corner
when the mask of homage waves. Cars under collapsed road
miles make stars heavy, as easier astronomers carry on.
-- Glenn R. Frantz
Sheriff: Halloween safety tips
Neutron star size determined
Argentina's power couple torn by death
Command promoting buzzwords
have ceased to be cultivated.
Public bad manners
and criminal mischief
created the near perfect storm,
regionally becoming unstoppable.
Feed on reliable apples.
Your much ballyhooed mental health program
is a yearlong trip to Disney.
-- Scott Stoller
11 bodies, one house of horrors
Ex-flight attendant blames 'perfect storm of bad manners'
Before the Mac, Vintage Apples
Think that we know obscurity?
Some opinions aren't grounded in reality.
Let's separate facts from fables:
We've blackmailed billionaire heiresses.
Swallowed entire empires.
Fused celebrity and forgery in novel new ways.
Raised red flags to the stratosphere.
Supported many sides in a many-sided war.
We're the biggest Achilles' heel of all.
-- Scott Stoller
Five myths about Sarah Palin
The Heiresses and the Cult
Bad online and cellphone habits can hurt your career
I am an offensive saint.
I was engaged to World War II,
when the relationship was briefly excommunicated.
Boy George vindicated Bill O’Reilly
and involved a scandalous confession:
Their love gained condemnation of the rural poor.
Australia wants to Intimidate Japanese Muslims;
As a hypocritical nun
I like to insult everyone.
-Laura Beason
Bill O'Reilly on "my explosive" appearance on "The View"
Gavin Rossdale Admits To Gay Fling With Singer Marilyn
Nun whose order fought abuse becomes saint
September screwed up my life, really.
6 a.m. and I want ecstasy.
“Hit this,” I pushed.
Drugs are monsters, bare and fearsome.
Violating my probation,
I am trapped underground like central China.
I am the majestic cannibal,
the unpleasant animal that bites its brother’s flesh.
Frequent feeding is not only for herbivores.
- Erin N. Sampson
Was the T-Rex a Cannibal?
21 Are Killed in Explosion at China Mine
TI Sentenced to 11 Months in Jail
Surreal cartography is a nonchronological season.
It's like nonfiction: true, but unsuccessfully.
(No, this is not really cartography;
I just wandered outside for a second.
Ironically striking exactly the right theme.)
The dream underworld is unsympathetic with this critique.
Joining the Cincinnati Reds with Castro's? Why not?
Even Shakespeare the caustic realist
dabbled in Latin and harmless magic.
-- Glenn R. Frantz
Roy Halladay Throws No-Hitter in Playoff Debut
Peruvian writer/politician Mario Vargas Llosa wins Nobel Prize in Literature
Hungary toxic sludge reaches Danube branch
Who carried signs such as "God Hates Honeybees,"
"Fag Entomologists" and "Thank God for America's
Dead Honeybees"? Outrageous!
In Iraq, I was irked by a swamp rabbit, and now I am
throwing up at a conference on genetically modified
food that is killing off heterosexuals as punishment.
There is still a certain uncomfortable symbolism when
God, a fag, is decorating the floor with a major murder
suspect—1,000 feet from the free world.
-- Angela Genusa
Don't you know who I am? Obama loses seal of authority
Phelps's 'Outrageous' Free Speech
Possible Cause of Bee Die-Off Is Found
What have our teenagers done? A bad thing?
Their partners help men catch huge new orgasms.
They ask what do sex acts have to do with vagina.
Boys and girls say that vaginal intercourse is included
in their telephone activities. And scientists achieve truth
with a plethora of sexual relations.
Flesh and blood women are more likely to be swindled,
due to the nation’s condoms being better for sex these days.
You know, Americans have become more experimental.
-- Tom Lewis
Gossip from Manhattan & Beltway to Hollywood & Valley
Experimental Sex Practiced More Often Now in U.S.
US teens use more condoms than adults
Converging hotel death rays singe your hair
and melt your plastic shopping bags.
Your teetering teenage daughters
prefer the streets of Quito to riding the bus alone.
College kids, befuddled by can openers,
are working on solutions.
(A government spokesman said several were wounded
but did not offer any details.)
And do we only have ourselves to blame?
-- Scott Stoller
Ecuador declares emergency as police protest
Vdara visitor: 'Death ray' scorched hair
Are we raising a generation of nincompoops?
America, we're getting a 100% sanitized
version of the country from the media. Why
is that pre-McNugget paste weirdly pink?
America, we're faking media orgasms. What
is with the herd of overhyped pseudo-celebrities,
mass-produced reporters, and glossy quotes?
America, we're crawling with bacteria. What
is with the grime, the reek of decades-old man-sweat?
But hey, high five! The country tastes like chicken.
-- Angela Genusa
Pre-Chicken Nugget Meat Paste
Survey on America's Sexual Habits: We're Getting Friskier
Liberty City's Roosevelt Ivory is a Throwback
A national telephone-based poll suggests
that American current events are, uh,
eccentric. Jesus in a pink boa drinking
sparkling Pepto-Bismol liquor in Japanese
karaoke booths, Kanye West in his red
underwear whistling ABBA through his ass,
and Jessica Rabbit singing a crude Chinese
peace anthem with a refrain of "rub me do,
rub me do." All in the preceeding 24 hours.
-- Angela Genusa
Most Americans don't get daily exercise, survey finds
Saturday Night Live Recap: Kanye Scores, Miley Mocked
Big Mac index gives more than a taste of true worth
These days everything is Six Degrees
of meat: a bust of Kevin Bacon
made of bacon, a dress of Lady
Gaga made of Gaga. I am he as you
are she and we are all a stick of meat
incautiously poked into the cage of a tiger.
Wait - what? I don’t know the poem
you quoted either. I just bid on eBay
for an anti-fur bird made of real hides.
-- Angela Genusa
Philip Larkin Letters to Monica: October 21, 1950
PETA invites Lady Gaga to explain meat dress
Bacon Kevin Bacon - The Six Degrees of Food
The great white mind so cluttered
by decay the graying boomers will hate
to pay for the beef of unemployment
having stolen the economics
behind their cheap groceries,
Tuskegee, and the architecture of years.
"White folks, hey, we coloreds have taken root
deep in the beef, the country, and his ruse.
We need to focus and prioritize."
-- Eric Elshtain
White America Has Lost Its Mind
Past Horrific Experiments Stir Concerns of Today
'Sesame Street' Was Naughty Way Before Katy Perry
Friday, the sight of Shakespeare
in a sugar coffin surprised
thousands of pedestrians.
Cardboard consumers—three
sheets to the wind—marched
on slick, high-fructose city streets.
Show some solidarity: Confound
"natural" consumer clogging.
Save a wolf in sheep's syrup.
-- Angela Genusa
HFCS Name Change: Good, Bad or In Between?
5 dead as drenching rains take aim at New England
In Costa Rica, Higher Education Serves the Few
Vague external threats
confront the galaxy.
An onslaught of biting indignities
discredits nebulous negative notions.
The Better Business Bureau fumed,
then exploded with rage.
With fiercely offensive footage,
proceedings and investigations,
they'll struggle to save the vaunted fables.
-- Scott Stoller
The American dream: Is it slipping away?
Democrats Unleash Ads Focusing on Rivals’ Pasts
Beckham: "Say it to my face"
Went for a few kills in the symptoms library.
Students had nerves. Doctors are checking out
the Alaska Student disease. "We can't operate on skin."
NEVER blame relationship acne. She moves
like she has an old terrorized lung dance.
"We have considered the assault a symptom."
Sarah seemed to understand. "We acted
on behalf of the University. But, man,
the witnesses NEVER thought Palin was carrier."
-- Tom Lewis
5 Steps to Kill Hidden Bugs in Your Gut That Make You Sick
Student opens fire at University of Texas, then kills himself
Bristol Palin Comforted by Mom's Presence on DWTS
Within yourself is a gaping hole.
So fill it. Reverse the trend.
Experience what's been missing.
Be a billionaire.
Date a chimpanzee.
Try lots of different races and religions.
Explore new forms of suicide.
Go backpacking with Lady Gaga.
You've got a great, great future.
-- Scott Stoller
Ken Fisher Dubs New Normal Idiotic
Ditch Your Laptop, Dump Your Boyfriend
Baby boomers increase midlife suicide rate
The American Academy of Goats "just say gala"
to the prevention of cruelty micro-blogging messages
(published in "Children, Adolescents, Substance")
a rabbit wearing the October issue links strangely to drugs
effectively working to ride smug bullshit on a hotplate
you could sedate the monkey tobacco cursor page
vast torrents of federal danger in the bears' office
hidden by onMouseOver worm erectile dysfunction makeup
thank you, all prescription medications "WTF [URL]"
-- Angela Genusa
PETA Gala: Pamela Anderson Upstaged by Kelly Osbourne
Pediatricians Want to Restrict Ads for Tobacco, Booze, Viagra
WTF worm makes Twitterers declare goat lust
Kurt "l8r g8r" Cobain is driving me crazy,
hawking an endorsement—60 times bigger than
first estimated—for the Indians at Little Big Horn.
A waitress is serving a hamper full of Anne Frank’s
couture clothing saying “That’s hot!” Brad Pitt
is lowballing Lindsay Lohan for Gen. George
Custer's 1923 Hallmark card. And Paris Hilton
is burning a Red Cross textbook about hygiene on
a hot plate. Mein haute! What the pun?!
-- Angela Genusa
Lowballing Oil Spill Akin to Custer
Paris Hilton Owns the Phrase "That's Hot"
Happy Banned Books Week!
David Hasselhoff drunk-dancing in a Speedo
on the dance floor, performing an arthritic cha-cha
on a widely circulated sex tape? Major buzz kill.
Barack Obama disguised as a Tokyo celebutante
allowed to shack up in a nasty airport hotel in New York
disguised as the Airport Hilton? Don’t ask, don’t tell.
Say, perfume lady! The country puts its foot down when
Japan promised—multiple times—the repeal of a long
rap sheet of bizarre decisions, a potpourri of insanity.
-- Angela Genusa
Tokyo Snubs Paris (Hilton)
"Baywatch" Star Hasselhoff First "Dancing" Victim
Barack Obama heckled in Manhattan
Pharos financial group, a new directive, stamped
in London. A spokeswoman for
the code of silence says the payoff
has been mixed. The investigation of
the world? The world? It's the world? Aimed at a
bank branch of the Father,
the Lord our God, a sovereign state
in the country's total farmland.
Jews leaving a dud.
-- Eric Elshtain
In Mezuzas, a Custom Inherited by Gentiles
Vatican Bank Tied to Money Laundering Scandal
Investors seeing farmland as safer bet than stocks
you starch once plans demolished plans once starch you
of barreled that one beaches one that barreled of
for allowed that tables turn tables that allowed for
you castle as list bristled list as castle you
it name even bulk misunderstood bulk even name it
you castle as list bristled list as castle you
for allowed that tables turn tables that allowed for
of barreled that one beaches one that barreled of
you starch once plans demolished plans once starch you
-- Glenn R. Frantz
Reading the tea leaves on O'Donnell vs. Coons in Delaware
Step Aside, High Fructose Corn Syrup
NYC considers banning smoking in parks
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